Dear Conservative Brethren,
We have had yet another breach in security. I take full blame for it; I will no longer be clicking on Internet ads claiming to give away free boner pills. As an added precaution, I downloaded an anti-virus program which I found on the Internet. So rest assured, only God’s chosen warriors on my mailing list will be privy to this memo. But again, just to be safe:
LIBERALS! WOULDN’T YOU RATHER SMOKE SOME POT THEN READ THIS? (They smoke it, right? Which is the one you snort?)
OK, is that everyone? Any stragglers? Good.
On to our topic: Voting.
Our party faces a serious problem: while our policies support the best 1% of Americans- the Job Creators- did you know that you don’t get to vote more than once, no matter how many houses you own? It really isn’t fair. There was a time in our fair land when real work was rewarded; sure, it’s hard work supervising a sweatshop or putting down slave revolts, but it was worth it, because at the end of the day you could relax with a huge pile of money and some good old fashioned marital rape. We don’t live in that America anymore. Ever since Franklin “Lenin” Roosevelt took over, we have coddled the parasite class. Eight hour work days, weekends, minimum wage. These loafers even get free school for their kids, when it’s a well known fact that kids are the best at making textiles! In the interest of making this country a better place, I will mention a few ways for us to overcome this unfair turn of events.
Most of our supporters happen to be well-off, while those who are poor seem to think our policies are bad for them. What we need to do is keep these people away from the polls. We need to make it clear once again that voting is a privilege, not a right. We can bring back the poll tax, but since taxes aren’t popular right now, we need to call it something different. We can call it a usage fee, and if you vote more than once a year, you have to pay for the overage. Wanna bet that this stops poor people from voting? $10000 bet?
We also should make full use of our power to redistrict. Because the non-specials tend to clump together in a few urban neighborhoods and rural pockets, we can link as many of them together as possible, so that they get the absolute minimum number of house seats. The courts may try to interfere, insisting this infringes on the 15th Amendment and the Voting Rights Act of 1965, but I contend that we can overcome this by being persistent. If at first you fail, try try again. Just like marital rape. We can also word the state questions in such a way that makes the conservative ones more appealing and liberal ones less so. For example, call anti-union measures “Employee Rights†or “Right to Work†laws, even though we’re taking away their rights to organize.
Lastly, and possibly most importantly, is voter ID laws. Poorer people tend to vote more liberal, but they also are more likely not to have a valid, current photo ID. Have you ever taken the bus to the DMV? Disgusting. We can also make them show proof of residency at the polls, because poorer people are less likely to have utility bills. If asked why we are introducing these laws, we should emphatically respond by saying that we are preventing voter fraud. There probably won’t be many cases in your state, so be sure to really reiterate any voting violation you can find. If you happen to live in one of the United Soviet States of America where they “don’t believe” in that sort of thing, there is an untapped group of voters who we can make sure will always vote conservative: the recently deceased. Our elderly friends would want you to vote for them. Think of it as civil disobedience: break the law to save America! Grandma would want it that way.
With poll taxes, gerrymandering, confusing ballots, voter ID laws, and zombie voters, we can assure that our party remains strong even in the face of our overwhelming unpopularity. Our wealthy financiers know what is best for America, not the people.
(While this is best for America, be sure to not discuss this with anybody or leave this page open. Those damn libruls may object.)
Rep. Jim Crow
R-‘Bama, 9th District