By Cody Bromley and Kevin Dodd
DIVORCED SEEKING SAME
Older silver fox seeks open minded lady for open relationship or NSA fun. Come gaze at the stars with me!
Important: Must be in good health!!!
Call me soon. 281-PEA-CHES
77 COUNTIES TO LOVE
Single red state seeking social-conservative for long term relationship. Have been burned in the past, and have been single now for over three years. No spam messages, and if you are real, put THUNDER UP in your message.
Email me or text 405-RED-STAT
READY TO GIVE IT A SIXTH CHANCE!
This message is for my ex, Mitt. I need you. I miss you so much. We had so many good times and now more than ever I need you back in my life. You’ve changed so much in the past 10 years, but I know the real you. I’ve got an individual mandate waiting for you 😉
DON’T WANT HIM BACK!!!!1
Swing state considering getting back together with ex, but wants to see what else is on the market.Â Gave him six years, and then sent him packing in record fashion.Â Save us!
LONELY IVY GRAD SEEKS ACCOMMODATING PARTNER
I’ve watched you from afar my entire life. I know I’m not exactly what you had in mind, but I know I can be the man you so desperately want. I will do anything for you. You like cheesey grits?Â I do too.Â You like healthcare?Â I pioneered the individual mandate.Â Oh you hate healthcare?Â Y-Yeah.Â Screw that liberal entitlement BS.Â Not only do I share your values, I can handle investing your money too, if you had some cash lying around ($100m minimum).
THE REAL GOLD STANDARD!
I’m tired of being ignored/made fun of.Â I’m loyal, I tell you what.Â I’ve had the same values for 40 years.Â If you love America and tying your money to some kind of precious metal/electricity conductor, let me know.
ATTENTION FILTHY SLUT!
Looking for someone who like cigars and the feeling of being crushed under a sofa during sex. BRING YOUR OWN BIRTH CONTROL. I’m not paying for that shit, and condoms are for socialists. I have some great candid video of Georgetown law students to put you in the mood.
IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE?
I would just like to find someone smart, sane, and not Ron Paul or Mitt Romney.Â So frustrating.