Holly’s Can’t Miss Job Hunt Tips

Unemployment is the big issue of the moment. The president is laying out his plan to get Americans back to work tonight, and the various stuffed suits on the Republican side have also laid out their plans recently. Everyone seems to have a job plan, so in the spirit of giving, here is my jobs plan: Chef Holly’s never miss tips for getting that green.

I have had more different jobs than most anybody I know. I’m a baker. I have waited tables.  I worked at a funeral home. I was a professonal Tarot card reader. I modeled chain mail lingerie.  the list is endless. I did not get those jobs because I am any good at them. In fact, I am easily the WORST waitress on the face of the planet. I got these jobs because I interview well. I can close the deal, simple as that. I want you to be able to close the deal and make some money too, so here we go.

First, lock down all your social networks. The idea is for them to only know what you want them to know. Let’s face facts: everyone’s facebook page makes them look manic depressive. One post you are talking about some wonderful, inspiring moment in your life, and the next post is about how you have mind blowing cramps. Not a stellar picture of your mental health. Learn the privacy settings and use them well. Google your name and blot out all potentially embarrassing results from the public record.  Call All the people you will be using as refrences and coach them on what you want them to say about you.I once got a job because one of the references said she felt honored to know me.
Once you have all that set up, do reconnaissance. go to the place you want to work. Be a creeper. What you  are looking for is dress code and office culture. When you go in there, you want to look like you are already one of them. This is key: If you are going to an office job, don’t dress like the boss. Dress like his assistant. You want him to see you as a positive addition to his staff not as his future replacement. If you are male you are probably saying “I can’t dress like the secretary” True; but look at the colors she wears and go with something like that in a suit or tie. Nothing too expensive or flashy. We are looking for positive assocations. Once I wanted to get this waitress job because it was really close to the house I was living in,  so I staked it out for a few mornings. I noticed a OSU sticker on the manager’s truck. I went right to the thrift store and picked up a OSU handbag and got me an OSU keychain at a gas station. Two days later I had the job!

Men: get a hair cut. You can grow the ponytail or sideburns back after you are getting a paycheck, ladies: get your eyebrows done and nails too. Bosses think that they can read you by looking you in the eye and shaking hands. It’s stupid, but remember the interviewer thinks he is a good judge of characater no matter what kind of a D-bag he might be.
None of these tips will lower the overall unemployment rate, but they could potentially lower your personal unemployment rate. Just remember: interviewers can smell desperation. Follow these tips, listen to Eye of The Tiger a few times on repeat, and go in with confidence. Even a touch of arrogance doesn’t hurt. You deserve this job. Now go get it!

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