This is the day of the year when those of us in long term relationships get to humblebrag.
“Oh, these flowers? Yeah, you know, they’re just from Target. No big deal.”
“We don’t like to make a big deal about it, we’ll probably just stay in, cuddle on the couch, and generally enjoy the comfort of knowing that we aren’t alone on this isolated blue marble spinning endlessly in the vast cosmos.”
It’s enough to drive you nuts. I know, because I used to be in your shoes. Not literally. I didn’t steal shoes from your house. But I used to be as perpetually lovelorn as you are now. Sometimes when I’m listening to The Smiths I can remember it all too well. Fear not, sad pandas. I have 10 things that, if they don’t make you feel better, will at least let you bask in the black sunshine of melancholy more effectively.
- Feed ducks alone on a park bench.
This works especially well with headphones. At least these ducks appreciate you. At least they won’t leave you. Not as long as you have the stale cheerios they so crave.
- Go for a long drive in the country.
The beauty of this is that it makes you feel like you could just pick a direction and drive, and when you got to some sunny spot in the road you could stop, get a place, get a job at the general store, marry the owner’s daughter, have a bunch of spawnlings, inherit the general store, join The Elks Lodge, complain loudly about the communists at the town picnic, build the finest house Roger Mills County has ever seen with your own bare hands, do swim aerobics at the town swimming pool, and finally die content at age 99.5. Of course you won’t do this and probably don’t want to, but the possibility that you could should give you a warm feeling of hope.
- Purchase and consume Ice Cream or Frozen Yogurt.
I have to give a shout out here to our downstairs neighbors at Orange Leaf. They are super nice and coffee frozen yogurt is awesome. Our not next door but still local neighbors Kaisers in Midtown have great ice cream and will make you a spiked milkshake, so that combines booze and ice cream, both of which feature heavily on this list.
- Facebook stalk your ex.
Unrequited love is just like actual love, but without the financial commitment. Just keep telling yourself that. If you had a bad breakup, you can enjoy putting a negative spin on innocuous status updates. “Steve is at Joe’s Bicycle Shop.” Car broke down, huh Steve? Good. I hope you and your little bike end up under a city bus.
- Buy presents for yourself.
“The greatest gift is the one you give yourself.”
That’s true, so long as the gift you give yourself is an iPad. If that’s not your speed, fill in your own ridiculously extravagant gift. The only rule is that it has to be something so awesome that if someone gave it to you, you would overlook what a jerk they are and have sex with them, because that’s what Valentine’s gifts are all about, so boom! That’s two presents you’ll be giving yourself.
- Buy plates at the thrift store and break them in your yard.
Catharsis rules. The trick is to fool your autonomic nervous system into thinking you are fighting for your life, which understandably puts thoughts of love in the back of your mind, at least for the moment. If you don’t want to do this (and I recommend eye protection and probably some heavy gloves) you can always shoot zombies, battle ninjas, slay orcs or something on your gaming platform of choice.
- Go to a bar or pub filled with other angry loners and/or hardcore alcoholics.
If you feel sorry for yourself now, you won’t after you talk to some of the regulars at your friendly neighborhood dive bar. May we suggest the HiLo? You may be lonely, but at least you are mostly a functional, contributing member of society. I assume that you are, otherwise how would you have Internet access?
- Be bitter with other lovelorn friends.
Misery loves company, and company loves board games. Escape to Singles Island, where you and the rest of your single friends can bitch about how goddamn cute all of these couples are, and how they baby talk to each other and it makes you all want to retch, but none of you will ever say anything to them about it because you don’t want to rain on their parade. Who knows, if your bitter friend group is co-ed, you may even get laid.
- Consume porn and/or erotica.
Do I really have to spell this out for you? I don’t want to imagine any of you doing this, so we will move on. But for the record, this suggestion pairs really well with #5. Or why not spice it up and add in #3 then #5, do a little of #4 before going out for a little of #7 and #10 and end the night with #9.
Because it’s impossible to feel sad when doing Karaoke. Plus you can pick from an endless list of maudlin epic songs and really belt it out so that everyone in the bar can share in your sad feelings. As Shakespeare once wrote:
Once upon a time I was falling in love
Now I’m only falling apart
There’s nothing I can do
Total eclipse of heart