the employee handbook

I wrote this as a joke for the other people, but I thought I would share it here as well, mostly because my printer is out of ink so I can’t print enough for everyone. -Colin

Congratulations on your employment with!

You were selected for this position because you exemplify the traits that are the foundation of the basis of the mission at the heart of our success. Whether you work in the fast paced, amphetamine fueled, low wage world of the staff writer, the seedy, moldy, chemical drenched world of the staff photographer, or the lightless, pornography filled caves of the IT professional, you are a valued member of our team.

This handbook, while by no means offering the protections of a union contract, nevertheless contains a number of half-hearted and non-binding guarantees* related to your working conditions, as well as any number of bizarre and intrusive requirements that we can use as a paper thin excuse to fire you for any reason at any time. Please take the time to familiarize yourself with them.

It is only because of you, the employees (or “Difference Makers” as we call them) that is read by tens of hundreds of loyal readers every 3 days or so. Your hard work, determination, and unshakable spirit embiggens us all.

C.B. Newman.
Executive Editor, and Draft Horse Spectator

Elizabeth Drew.
Managing Editor and Breakfast Week

*Guarantees only valid after 1460 day probationary employment period


“We aim forever and for all time to be great, to dream big, to push the limits, and to crush all that dare oppose us beneath the bloody wheels of history.”



If we didn’t respect you, would we have bought you all those drinks last night? Think about it.


Discovery is what happens when you find something great that you didn’t expect, like when you find an already opened bag of M&M’s under the drivers seat of your car and you have no idea how long it’s been there, but you’re still excited and you decide to eat it anyway.


Each and every one of you has something unique and special to give the world, something that you just can’t hold inside, something that will completely knock us out and make us glad that we have to pay you. I have no clue what that thing is, but I sure hope we learn soon.


As an “Difference Maker”, you are held to a higher standard than average humans. This is because you are objectively better. Our expectations may seem arbitrary, but they are based on years of time and motion studies performed by very smart people on very smart laboratory rats, God rest their furry souls.


“Difference Makers” are expected to maintain a clean and professional appearance at all times, at home as well as at work.

Standard work uniform is a navy green polo shirt, tucked into low rider jeans with the word “FAB” bedazzled on the seat.

Beards longer than 2 inches should be grown out and braided to look like a Sumerian god.

“Difference Makers” should wear enough deodorant or body spray to combust completely within 5 feet of an open flame.

Random home visits will be performed by our “Difference Maker Superstars” corporate training team 4 times a year for each employee to ensure compliance.


Acceptable reasons for absence are as follows:



Funeral (immediate family only)

Bacterial abscess

NASCAR event

Civil Defense Duty

Mer-people uprising

Every day that you arrive at work early or on time, you earn 1 Punctuality Point. 365 Punctuality Points can be redeemed for an unbreakable adamantium sword or a two park season pass to Frontier City and White Water Bay.


We like to think that our most important wage is the smiling faces of our readers. To be a “Difference Maker” is to want nothing so much as to pleasure them in any way possible. Actual wages are paid twice a year in gold bullion (supervisor and above,) Kool Aid points, and coupons to the company store.


Relations between employees are not encouraged. We realize however that in close quarters and under the intense pressure and poor working conditions that we will subject you to, such relationships are inevitable, if regrettable. In the event that such a relationship occurs and results in pregnancy, the child will be raised communally by the “Difference Maker Superstars” at Newmanwood, the company retreat in Southern Utah. He or she will be trained to pick berries, track wild game, make necklaces out of cereal, and eventually become a “Superstar” himself/herself!


We at are committed to leaving the earth better than we found it, which is why we have printed all of these handbooks on 100% recyclable paper. Also, regardless of what you may have read in The Christian Science Monitor or Newsday, we are pretty sure that all of that chromium was in the water already.


Much like snowflakes, we find each and every one of you equally difficult to tolerate.


You should probably get some. That crap is expensive.

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