–Advertisement–“Goddamnit!” I yell as I fumble and drop the ball. “Fuck!” “You took your eyes off it,” Sosa says. “You sound like my dad.” We’re playing catch out in front of my house on a very rare evening in Los Angeles, one where it feels like the fall, a perfect cool breeze and fading sunlight, [...]
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Stand-up Comedy: A Love Story, OR I Depress the Shit Out of Lonely People and Look Really Hard for a Silver Lining
–Advertisement– My friend Sosa just moved into a new place where he has his own room. For the past 13 months, he’s been sleeping on a couch, and for the past 6, I’ve been telling him that he should stop sleeping on a couch. Every time I’d say, “You should get your own place,” he’d [...]
One Year in L.A., OR I Get Stuck in the Same Day Like Bill Murray’s Character in Groundhog Day
*** I’m riding shotgun in Fernando Sosa’s car, and we’re on our way to watch a comedy show because standup has consumed our entire lives. “It’s so frustrating,” I say. “What is?” “The same thing, over and over again. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to.” “Oh,” Fernando says. “Yeah, I [...]
If My Life Were a Movie, OR I Confess My Love to Yet Another Man and Mean It For Reals This Time
It’s Tuesday evening, mid-June. A TV mounted on the wall at the back of the pizzeria plays the Thunder vs. Heat, Game Four of the NBA finals. I’m pretending to watch the game over his shoulder, but really, I’m sneaking glances at him while he eats the last slice of pizza. There’s an empty pizza [...]
Comics Unite Fridays, OR I Eat Something Weird and Start to Feel Like I Live Here
They call it a Punch Wrap. It’s made up of a Pizza Hut personal pan pizza (your choice of meat topping) wrapped in not one, but two Taco Bell Crunch Wraps. I’m about to take my first bite because it’s a Friday night after the Hollywood Hotel open mic (which means it’s Comics Unite Friday), [...]
Leah Kayajanian – The Knee Choppers of Whore Island, OR I Pay Tribute to the Crazy People Who Inspire All the Stories
“Scott, drink five,” I say, throwing down the five of diamonds. “Goddamnit,” Scott says. “Scott,” Taylor says, “drink five.” She tosses the five of clubs on the table. Amber can barely wait to throw down her card. “Drink five, Scott!” Scott turns to his only man-friend who’s still awake, Steve. “See what I mean, [...]
Thirty Minutes in Winnemucca, OR I Visit Café Gratitude and Start Thanking People Like I Won an Oscar
Text conversation with Mom: Mom: Got my tax refund so if you need more help let me know Me: No, I actually think I’m gonna be ok. Save some to come visit me please! Mom: Do not worry white man, I will have money now Me: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha *** As soon as I walk into Café [...]
A Funny Guy Dies in L.A., OR I Decide to Stop Being Crazy and Listen to the Man in my Head
“Shocking the Locals” – illustration by C.N. “I can’t believe you people are telling stories about Angelo at this fucking open mic,” the comic onstage says. “Shit, I knew him. I was the first one to put that motherfucker on a show, but you guys ain’t gonna laugh at any jokes now, ‘cause you’re all [...]
Please Welcome to the Stage, Oh My God, a Female Comedian.
It’s one in the morning on the weekend, and I’m walking my dog. I live in a residential area right smack dab in the middle of Hollywood, a block south of Sunset Boulevard. I’ll be honest – it’s a pretty sucky place to live. In a couple months, I’ll move to a perfect little [...]
I’m One Mean Look Away from a Crack Addiction
The Downward Spiral Part, OR I’m One Mean Look Away from a Crack Addiction I’m sitting on the wall that wraps around the outside of The Comedy Store waiting to sign up for the open mic. I’m about to dissolve into my computer-slash-phone, but I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around. “Dude, [...]
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