(I wrote this in response to Sally Kern‘s proclamation for morality a couple years ago. If you weren’t here at the time or weren’t paying attention, Sally wrote this bloviating proclaimation about how the gays were ruining the economy and the world and we needed good patriots like her to save us. She then had this silly “signing ceremony” at the state capitol, even though it was in no way official and was just this thing she wrote up one day. I wrote this to be read at the ACLU protest against it. I stumbled upon it today, and because I like it, I decided to archive it here. Don’t hate me for my vanity.)
We the People of Oklahoma, Invoking the guidance of basic reason and logic,
in order to prevent that vein in our foreheads from popping out;
to secure a state government that is merely corrupt rather than criminally insane;
to promote our mutual Welfare and Happiness, do establish this proclamation and call upon the people of the great State of Oklahoma, and our fellow Patriots in these United States of America who look to non-Gaylord owned media for guidance,
to acknowledge the need for Sally Kern to step out of the spotlight for a while and mutter gently to her handgun.
WHEREAS, “It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. ” (Thomas Jefferson); and
WHEREAS, “An alliance or coalition between Government and religion cannot be too carefully guarded against” (James Madison); and
WHEREAS, “Our Religious controversies are always productive of more acrimony and irreconcilable hatreds than those which spring from any other cause.” (George Washington); and
WHEREAS, “Quoting a bunch of enlightenment era Deists out of context to make it sound like they support theocracy seems like a bullet-proof way to make my point!” (Sally Kern); and
WHEREAS, the people of Oklahoma have a strong tradition of deflating the egos and rhetoric of demagogues and blowhards; and
WHEREAS, we believe our economic woes are consequences of banking deregulation, a massive housing bubble, speculation, and the general never ending economic coke party of the last twenty years, none of which were caused by gay people or abortion or gay people getting abortions, and
WHEREAS, “debauchery” predates the great state of Oklahoma by tens of thousands of years and will be around long after we have retreated to mountain strongholds to avoid the zombie apocalypse; and
WHEREAS, alarmed that there are still people who think theocracy is a good idea; and
WHEREAS, grieved that people such as Sally Kern emerge every couple of months to insult my intelligence and lecture me; and
WHEREAS, deeply disturbed that Sally is still so angry even given the quite generous senior citizens discount offered at Hometown Buffet;
NOW THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED that we the undersigned, appealing to the basic decency and reasonableness of our fellow citizens, solemnly declare that the HOPE of the great State of Oklahoma and of these United States, rests upon politicians and civil servants who care more about their constituents than about the 15 or so votes to be gained by showboating and being self righteous;.
and BE IT RESOLVED that we, the undersigned, call upon all to join with us in voting out any politician who seeks to remake Oklahoma into the tiny town in Footloose;
and BE IT RESOLVED that we, the undersigned, humbly call upon El Chupacabra, slayer of goats and men, to have mercy on this nation, to stay his reptilian claw of judgement as we prepare for shearing season.
Signed on Friday the Twenty Sixth Day of of the Month of June in the year of our Lord, Two Thousand and Nine in the Common Era, Year of the Ox, 5th Lunar Month, Fourth day of Rajab, One Thousand Four Hundred Thirty.